Safety jokes
What is one good thing about child molesters?
They drive slow past schools.
How do you stop a school shooter from killing you?
Tell him you don’t believe in dog.
As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
Yo mama's so stupid, she drowned in the pond because the sign said, "No Swimming!"
Why do you like cream instead of bugs?
Because bugs can kill you.
I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"
Why do boys feel safer at Ronald McDonald's House than Neverland Ranch?
Ronald McDonald's doesn't put his meat between boys' buns.
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"
An anti-bullying PSA and speeding PSA from the same creator meet one another.
The death toll went sky high.
I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.
Wait, there aren't any road bumps.
O h s h i t.
When you lock the door, but you realize it's a pull open door!
The toaster, otherwise the perfect bath bomb.