When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
Roses are red, fishers are fishing,
I really hope you’ll be reported missing.
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!
Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.
Abandon ship!
Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.
I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
When the autistic kid brings a gun to school and thinks it’s a dart gun.
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
Why do people not adhere to the corona measures? Because they hate their lives and want to die.
What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.
Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
Why do a pedophile love Halloween?
Free delivery.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
