Roast jokes

You're cheap; no one even pays attention.

You lost 30 lbs when you joined Weight Watchers, and lost another 10 lbs when they shaved your back.

You’re looking pretty rough this evening. You look like if sweatpants were a person.

Your nose is so big that Apple had to make a custom iPhone that unlocks using Nose ID.

I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I see you, I throw up.

My brother said, "Bruh, why you so ugly plus why do you stink?" Me: "Is that supposed to be a roast? I got one for you. Why do you look like you came out the wrong side of your mother? Instead of her stomach, you came out of her butt. That's why you were born with brown spots on your head. That's her poop, you stupid fuckface." My friends: "Ouch that's gotta hurt."

My roasts aren't funny. At least this shit gets me money.

I'm Black, when a cop sees me, he shoots.

Roses are red, violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there with you, But not in the cage, but laughing at you.

When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."

Mom, shut up. Me? I don't shut up, I grow up. When I look at you, I throw up.

Yo mama so fat, she uses the Gulf of Mexico as her hot tub!

I would roast you but you're already so hot.

You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

What's the difference between a boomerang and your dad?

Boomerangs come back.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Your mum is so fat that when she looks in the mirror, the mirror cracked!

Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.

Everyone at the barbecue...

When someone says: "You're a mistake."

Say: "The only mistake I see is right in front of me."

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.