My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.
Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!
It's always fun to take anti-depressants, you either choose to take one, or the whole bottle.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."
A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!
The mirror says: "If you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck."
The Magic Jewel says: "If you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck."
The condom just sitting there laughing.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
Kids in the backseat make accidents, but accidents in the backseat make kids.
