If her age is on the timer, I don't care if she's a minor.
Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?
Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.
The woman was thinking she wanted to have sex, but one second later, she did it on the street with a criminal.
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
Why did the parachute refuse to open?
Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.
"Why don't skeletons go skydiving?"
"Because they don't have the guts... or the parachute."
A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
What are a group of depressed people called?
A suicide squad.
If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.
