My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.
Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.
Weirdo: I'm too high to die!
Me: You'll just fall harder.
Kids in the backseat make accidents, but accidents in the backseat make kids.
I stood on the edge of a building and someone yelled, "Do a flip!"..... and I did.
A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.
I hate jokes about 9/11... every joke has the tendency to crash and burn.
"I didn't get the joke at first, but then it hit me like a plane," the joke was so dark a cop almost shot it.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
I am the danger.
Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.
Imagine if Joe Biden was elected for a second term.
He would be the first president to be assassinated by a slick bathtub.
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
Are you a toaster?
Because I wanna take a bath with you.
I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.
When you’re in India and you start hearing a tick, tick, tick, tick, you run!
Why do risky people have cats?
So they have 10 lives with them.
