Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
It's always fun to take anti-depressants, you either choose to take one, or the whole bottle.
why did the rock not risk going to the other side of the road? It's a damn rock m8, it's not gonna walk!
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
One day I threw a boomerang...
Now I live in constant fear.
So there is this button there's a 50% chance you get a million dollars there's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle make them press the button and if they give the money you just push the orphan over take their money and run away because who they going to tell their parents.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."
I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.
"Hold my beer, watch this."
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
I want to make another joke about Josef Vasicek, but I think if I make the NHL, I'll die in an airplane crash, so I won't risk it again.
A friend of mine told me this joke a long time ago and I have never forgotten it.
A worm was crawling over a train track, and a train ran over him and cut off his ass. The worm turned around to get the piece of his ass back and another train ran over him and cut off his head.
BAD IDEA and a lesson to us all.
NEVER LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS!! LMAO (literally, kind of)( pretty sure you get it)
I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.
Everyone else in the minefield...
The mirror says: "If you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck."
The Magic Jewel says: "If you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck."
The condom just sitting there laughing.
