My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Why is the koala not a bear? It doesn't have the right koalafications.
i tried a pun about water but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain they are usually just being a beach
“Wheel” all miss him, right?
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off and someone asked him “How are You?” And he said “I’m all right now.”
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible....But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
Sometimes i wish my gf was here that way we could have some fun in my bed, the I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!
as i grow older, i remember all the people i lost along the way. maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...
What did the mama moose say to the calf after it got on her nerves? I'm not a-moosed right now.
Banker: I have the right to take your money! Me: Check my name Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: realizes Me:😈🖐️ gimme gimme
Americans: we drive on the right side of the road
The British: we drive on the left side of the road
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD *crashing noises follow*
Women be like equal rights equal pay, then decide that they don't want to do labour intensive jokes.
Why did the orphan cross the road
He thought he saw his parents
Oasis am I right
Why do woman only use there left arm because they don’t have rights.
BFF:DUDE, COME OVER TO MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!
Me:What no way its 2:58 am
BFF:but i just found my brothers secret stash of oreos!!!!!
Me:I'll be over in 5 minutes
once, I tried to say, "ps. pp. that's funny right there". instead, I said, you guessed it, "penis!
women have less rights than a Nascar track
wanna hear a joke? woman's rights
so you know theres likedog mixes rhight like a snoodle and that stuuf right so why cant a bull dog and a shight shu cant be mixed cause if they did it would be called bullshit
