Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.
Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The Constitution says you do, and so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent, and that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!
What do you call a woman in a fighter jet to the right of the president?
An escort.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”
Person 2: “Seven.”
Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”
Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”
(Based on an encounter I had recently)
Anyone want to eat me up? I'm in that kind of mood right now.
I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.
A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."
What’s the difference between a woman and a policeman? One of them have rights.
I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.
Today my biology teacher asked me what's commonly found in a cell......... And apparently "black people" isn't the right answer.
Is it all right when there is nothing left?
Let's get this right. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg, but you can't beat...
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
(amazing pick up line) Yoo, what if we got matching tattoos? You get two towers and I get a plane, because I crashed right into your life!
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
"Between you and me, something smells!"
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
