My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Why is the koala not a bear?
It doesn't have the right koalafications.
I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.
"Wheel" all miss him, right?
When is a rape victim right?
When she admits she lied.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
Women be like, "Equal rights, equal pay," then decide that they don't want to do labor intensive jobs.
Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.
The British: We drive on the left side of the road.
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
Why do women only use their left arm? Because they don’t have rights.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
He thought he saw his parents.
Oasis, am I right?
Once, I tried to say, "P.P. That's funny right there." Instead, I said, you guessed it, "Penis!"
BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!
Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.
BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!
Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.
Women have less rights than a NASCAR track.
What did the mama moose say to the calf after it got on her nerves?
"I'm not a-moosed right now."
I raped a girl and I liked it.
I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.
It felt so wrong, it felt so right.
Don't mean I'm in love tonight.
As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...
What do you call a blank piece of paper?
Women's rights.
