Response jokes
Here's what to do if an annoying person keeps talking to you. First, ignore them until they ask you if you're going to respond. Then ask them: if they were walking down the street and a rabid dog suddenly started barking at them, would they get on all fours and bark back? After that, continue to ignore them.
Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. Depression who? Depression you!
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
Man: Can you be my girlfriend?
Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.
Man: Oh, here's your rope.
People: Stop joking about such serious issues!
Me: Kill yourself.
Have you ever said no? Did they keep going?
What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?
I don't know! I don't care!
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
A person asks a taxidermist what they do for a living. The taxidermist replies, "Oh, you know, stuff."
Go up to someone and say, "I'm sorry for your loss," and see what they do.
Who ever said "condom?" YES DADDY!
Whoever says a joke "is not a joke" should go commit bye die.
If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?
"Not now, I have a headache."
Person: Guess what?
Other person: What?
Person: Chicken butt!
The teacher asked the class what sound does a cow make? "Mooo," said Sally. "Good job," said the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baa," said Jack. "Good, now what sound does a pig make?" Little Johnny raised his hand really high in the sky. The teacher called on him. He said, "The pig says, 'Get on the ground and put your hands on your head, you black motherfucker.'"