Response jokes
The plane crashed. There are 5 seats in Bordeaux and usually 4 parachute seats.
The first song goes: "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best player in the world, so fly with the first helmet."
One of Ivanka Trump's former supporters said: "I was the US President's teacher." And take an umbrella and fly.
Former US Secretary of State Donald Trump said: "I am the President of the United States. I am the president of the United States of America, not responsible to the people. Design our package and jump."
"I'm glad," said the next passenger, Popstag, as he approached. Then the boy explained: "I still can't see anyone's problem. The President of the United States is in my bag..."
What’s the difference between an Indian and an Arab?
One's responsible for 7/11, the other's responsible for 9/11.
What are women allergic to and always try to dodge?
Accountability.
Are you gay? "No." Oh, so you're not happy? "No." Oh...
What did the computer say when it was tired of the user?
Kiss my ASCII!
What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'
'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
If a mentally challenged person shows up late,
Is it ok to call him tardy?
What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
How you guys not even know who did it? Hahahahaha.
What do the initials FEMA stand for?
Federal Erection Management Agency.
What say the child to the man? Shalom.
Man come later give the child: "Here, what you asked for!"
Child: "No, sir! I say Shabbat Shalom. I not ask for salmon!"
Man: "It may be the coin in me ear, hard to hear."
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
What’s the difference between a firefighter and Snoop Dogg?
Snoop Dogg inhaled less smoke during 9/11.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"