Religion jokes
Yo mama so fat, she fell off the judgement room and broke the 7 layers of hell.
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"
Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.
What do you get when you cross a bisexual male that is a catholic priest and a christian police officer that is a bisexual male and a born again homophobic heteroflexable male that is a christian nationalist who is in the closet a gay man that needs to be force out of the closet by any means necessary?
What did God say when he made the first black man?
"Crap, I burnt one!"
How do you know you've found a priest? When little Timmy is glued to his crotch.
Reverend Mother walks into the convent and announces:
"Sisters, our carrots have been delivered!"
Nuns exclaim: "Hurray! Carrots!"
Reverend Mother: "They are grated carrots, though."
Nuns: "Ugh! No, thank you then..."
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.
Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
What's the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One is glowing and the other is blowing.
Why can't orphans convert to Catholicism?
Because Catholics believe in no sex before marriage.
What is a reversed exorcism?
It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.
What did the racist Catholic priest say?
"Martin Luther? Not my king!"
Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.
If you have an Autistic child, don't worry. Put your trust in God and pray it gets kidnapped.
Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.
What's the difference between Christian theocrats and Islamic fundamentalists?
Presentation.
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.