Religion jokes

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin through her neck.

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “MY GOD!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “HEAVENS TO BETSY!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.” Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” And the teacher faints.

You are so ugly, when the devil saw you, he said, "Jesus Christ!"

How does a disabled man go to church? He can't, there's no ramp.

What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus? It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture.

Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.

I'm still wondering who took Jesus' sandals.

Even the one who ate that dove that sat at Jesus' shoulder. 🤔

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One kneels to pray, one kneels to pay.

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.

Lettuce pray.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

God made Adam and Eve.

Satan made Adam and Steve.

What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.

Electricity.

Why did the Catholic priest suck dick at a glory hole?

Because someone asked him what he would do for a Klondike bar.

Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?

Because the children kept calling me "daddy."

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's?

They both like to slide their meat between 10 year old buns.

What is Jesus’s Favorite Exercise?

CrossFit.

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.