Religion jokes

What did the cop say to the muslim breaking the law?

"That's against th-Allah (read like da-law)."

Man: How tall is a penguin?

Bartender: About three foot, why?

Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!

Poor car.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

How do get a nun pregnant? Fuck her!

Q: What do you call a nun in a pool? A: A bath bomb.

Why does Satan worship himself?

Jesus told him to worship God.

Why are Demons dying from Priestwater? The soul from a Priest is completely different.

Ashes to ashes, priests prefer boys, 'cause they don't have to shave their asses.

Why did Steven Hawkins go to hell?

Because he couldn't walk the stairs to heaven.

The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.

When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.

She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

The Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin; she was a prostitute. God raped her.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile? There isn't a difference.

What did Mother Mary say when God farted? Jesus Christ, you stink!

What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?

"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"

Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."

Lucifer's so broke he can't even afford air conditioning units.

What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.