Religion jokes

For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

What happens at the orphanage be like:

The orphans: “HE IS THE MESSIAH!”

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.

They were both druids.

I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

How does Moses brew his coffee?

He brews it.

Why do orphans like going to church?

Because they actually get to say "father" for once.

Why did the orphans go to the church?

Because they need someone to call "father."

What do you call an Islamic LGBT member? A Gaylism.

What games do monks play a lot?

Among Us.

THERE IS NO AFTERLIFE.

Do you have a halo?

'Cause I can give it to you.

You could say ancient Egyptians and JDM car fans are alike--they both worship Datsun.

Did you know that lots of graves are put in churchyards?

Yeah, they're pretty holey.

ICH BIN GOTT.

So I went to the gym and I found a hymn.

What's the difference between 5% of priests and 5% of atheists?

5% of atheists have seen a ghost.

5% of priests have spooked altar boys in the sacristy.

Why did Jesus die at the diving Olympics? Because he can't go through water.

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!