Religion jokes
Is it bad to hit an orphan?
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Well... I mean, they could go to church and try to gather that someone hit them.
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they can call someone "father."
What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
How do men like their women? Striped.
How does a priest like their children? Clean.
Why are most orphans strippers? They want to call someone mommy or daddy.
What is the difference between a stripper and candy? None. But they like it when you take the wrapper off.
Why that Nun didn't like Virgin Mary?
Because she was straight into Jesus.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You dress her up as an altar boy.
When Mother Teresa went to heaven, she was greeted by Saint Peter with a halo for her dedication to the needy. After walking around for a while, she saw Lady Diana with a bigger halo. She got angry at Lady Diana and went to Saint Peter and asked him why she had a bigger one, and Saint Peter said, "Oh, that’s not a halo, that’s a steering wheel."
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
What did the black kid say when he went to the confession booth?
"Daddy?"
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
God: (creating elephants) Make it big.
Angel: How big?
God: As big as my d--
Angel: Whoa!
God: Fine, 10 feet tall.
Angel: That's big bu--
God: Put a long thing on its face.
A guy walks into a mosque... then blows up.
A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."
The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."
What’s the opposite of an exorcism?
It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
Why don't churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.
What is the difference between Benjah and Jesus?
Jesus walks on the water; Benjah wades through the water.