Religion jokes

"Nun" means no one likes them. Just take off that dumb hood!

Where do terrorists go for food? The Allah snack bar.

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!

ICH BIN GOTT.

So I went to the gym and I found a hymn.

THERE IS NO AFTERLIFE.

You could say ancient Egyptians and JDM car fans are alike--they both worship Datsun.

Why did Catholic women stop going to church?

Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.

Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.

I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

What is Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun.

So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."

Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

The teacher fainted.

A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.

Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."

You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.

Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

How did the priest know the nun was on her period? He tasted blood on the altar boy's cock.

What do angels serve at birthday parties in Heaven?

Angel food cake! 🎂🥳