Religion jokes

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.

What do you call a person with a hole in their shoe?

A Christian.

If Tim goes to heaven and Tom goes to hell, where does Tam go?

Up your ass.

I recently learned that churches won’t let trans men become priests because they don’t consider trans men as men, which is rather confusing to me.

As a Jew, I don’t know very much about Christianity, but from what I’ve heard, don’t priests love little boys?

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?

A: A nun falling down the stairs.

What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits until you're a teen to cum on your face.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

Wanna hear a joke?

Jesus being real.

What do you get when you cross a priest with a toilet?

Holy shit.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head!

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

God: “Stephen, join us!”

*sees the staircase to heaven.*

Stephen: “Shit!”

My name is Jamar and I come from afar, ALLAHU AKBAR!

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

What's the difference between Jesus and a gay person?

One created the rainbow, the other one ruined it.

(Yes, I know God created the rainbow, not Jesus.)

There is no god. None, not one.

Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

God's consciousness: Art.

God's unconsciousness: Christianity.