Religion jokes
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!
Q: What do priests do to stay in shape?
A: They exorcise.
A bat mitzvah for sheep is a baaaaaat mitzvah!
What is Satan's way to go to places? A helicopter.
What does the Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler television ad have in common with ministers who are white Christian nationalists?
They both thank you for your financial support.
Why did Steven Hawking's snot not go to heaven?
Because there is no ramp to heaven.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
Did you hear about the nun that got kicked out of the convent?
She got caught squatting on the cucumbers in the garden.
What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.
When Ariana Grande walked into the church, she said, "GOD IS A WOMAN!"
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
What is the difference between whores and nuns?
Nuns usually discover their own chosen vocation. Whores usually have their vocation chosen by pimps.
This isn't a joke.
There was a homeless family in need of a room, but the guy said no more rooms because they were homeless. So, they got into a barn, and the mother gave birth to a young healthy boy. Before you say anything bad to a homeless man, that little boy was born on December 25th. Guess who it is.
JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! STOP HURTING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND START HELPING THEM!!!!!!!!
Why do I call my priest daddy?
Because he raped my mom when she was 13. She's 27 now.
What's the difference between a Baptist and a rapist? The priests.
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."
What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs.
What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
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Why did the pope drink horse piss? Because a priest asked him what would he do for a Klondike bar? 🤪 😜