Religion jokes
Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.
Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."
What's the difference between Christianity and Scientology?
One is accepted as a cult by most people and the other has most people brainwashed.
Wow, Heaven's a lot hotter than I thought it'd be.
We have life. I hope we have life. We have God in Jesus Christ. This is a good thing. It is a song part.
I'm still wondering who took Jesus' sandals.
Even the one who ate that dove that sat at Jesus' shoulder. 🤔
Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?
Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!
Why do Catholic Irishmen in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saint Patrick's Day?
What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
What’s the opposite of an exorcism?
It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
If prostitution had a tax-exempt status, and if an adult bookstore had a tax-exempt status because of a glory hole, churches would have to do something else to keep their tax-exempt status to avoid the risk of going out of business.
What do you call a burning church?
Holy smokes.
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Me playing a game...
What did God just stop? Are hearts cause we didn't kill each other.
Like if that was good.
I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
What is Jesus’s Favorite Exercise?
CrossFit.
Why did the priest invent baptism?
To wash their sex toys.