Religion jokes

A monk asks the priest if it's okay to kiss a nun.

The priest replies, "Just as long as you don't get in the habit!"

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.

Why did Catholic women stop going to church?

Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.

THERE IS NO AFTERLIFE.

Why did Jesus die at the diving Olympics? Because he can't go through water.

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!

What do u call a Muslim praying: Allahu akbar.

"Nun" means no one likes them. Just take off that dumb hood!

Where do terrorists go for food? The Allah snack bar.

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.

Reverend Mother walks into the convent and announces:

"Sisters, our carrots have been delivered!"

Nuns exclaim: "Hurray! Carrots!"

Reverend Mother: "They are grated carrots, though."

Nuns: "Ugh! No, thank you then..."

What’s the difference between a Catholic and a rabbit?

One has kids to protect from predators, and the other has kids for predators.

Repeat after me: Die angle; die angle; sweetie. Angels don't die! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The dear God created the man.

Then he created woman.

When he then saw what he had done, he took care of tobacco and alcohol.

Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?

God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!

Poultry rape is no joke. It is God's gift to those who want a laugh.

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.

How do you know Adam and Eve were white?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from black women?

What’s black and white and red all over?

A crushed nun!

What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?

Slow natives.