Religion jokes

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not, you idiot. He got nailed before he died!

Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?

Because the children kept calling me "daddy."

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic and the other is a priest.

If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?

That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.

My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!

So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.

A monk asks the priest if it's okay to kiss a nun.

The priest replies, "Just as long as you don't get in the habit!"

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

What does a priest and Christmas tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.

What do priests give children?

Syphilis.

They say you should love your neighbor. Does that mean I have to love the president?

How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?

That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?

"Make me one with everything."

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

A pedophile and a priest run a race.

You can’t beat yourself in a race!

What’s the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One kneels for salvation.

The other kneels with salivation.

What's the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One is glowing and the other is blowing.