Religion jokes

Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?

Because the children kept calling me "daddy."

If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic and the other is a priest.

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?

That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.

My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!

So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.

A monk asks the priest if it's okay to kiss a nun.

The priest replies, "Just as long as you don't get in the habit!"

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

Yo mama so fat that she would die before reaching the gates of heaven.

Yo mama so fat, she the reason why Moses split the Red Sea.

Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.

Why did Catholic women stop going to church?

Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.

How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?

That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!

What did God say when he made the first black man?

"Crap, I burnt one!"

What’s a priest's favorite sport?

Golf, because most of the holes are less than 18.

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?

"Make me one with everything."

A pedophile and a priest run a race.

You can’t beat yourself in a race!