Religion jokes
What does the Catholic Church and Worstjokesever.com have in common?
They're both full of child groomers.
What is God's favorite planet?
Saturn because it has a ring around it.
What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.
Why did the bodybuilder go to the crustacean church?
Because it was a good source of mussel mass!
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
What's the difference between an American police man and a Christian?
At least a Christian kneels in church.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a prostitute?
The look they give you while you’re nailing them.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?
The nun gets pregNUNt.
Women have so much evil in their blood that God has to drain it once a month. Hehehehehe
Do you have a halo?
'Cause I can give it to you.
Why can't Jesus walk on water anymore?
Because he has holes in his feet.
What do altar boys and strippers have in common? Father issues.
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
What happened to the eight-year-old boy that needed to go to the bathroom during church?
The priest stopped him on the way there.
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
What did one God say to the other?
"I will die to be a man."