Religion jokes
Why do orphans go to church?
They go there to finally call someone "father."
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress up as the altar boy.
A bat mitzvah for sheep is a baaaaaat mitzvah!
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
What did the black kid say when he went to the confession booth?
"Daddy?"
Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”
Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.
A Catholic gay male that is well-endowed goes to confession, and while he is inside the confessional booth, the Catholic priest is sucking his dick, and he says to the Catholic priest, "What are you doing, Father?"
And the priest says, "It's called giving a blowjob."
And the Catholic gay male says, "Why are you giving me a blowjob, Father, inside the confessional booth?"
And the Catholic priest says, "If there was no glory hole in the confessional booth, my son, it would not be called a confessional booth in the first place."
The terrorists lost their landing gear and had to make a crash landing into the closest building because religion.
What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.
What's a priest's favorite fruit?
Cantaloupe.
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Boy: *scares girl*
Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"
Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*
Girl: What work?
Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"
How to make holy water:
1. Grab a pot.
2. Put water in it.
3. Set the stove to 420 degrees.
4. Boil the hell out of it.
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
If God didn’t mean for us to have sex with 11-year-old girls, why did he make them so sexy and so much physically weaker?
Ashes to ashes, priests prefer boys, 'cause they don't have to shave their asses.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, you idiot. He got nailed before he died!
If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic and the other is a priest.