Religion jokes
I don't get it.
Orphans are very religious, well mostly. Statistics say that roughly 2/3 of the orphan population go to church. I mean it's the only place they can call someone "father".
What's the difference between Axne and a priest??
One waits till you're 13 to come on your face.
I once put the Bible in the fiction section.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
What do you call a reverse exorcism?
It's where a demon pulls a priest out of a child.
What is the true meaning of Christmas?
Stealing presents from orphans - a quote by Technoblade.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.
I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Heaven.
God had not built a ramp yet... or an escalator.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
Why is "T" well-respected, but more in its lowercase form?
It crossed the line with Jesus.
Why did Spencer eat cheese?
Because he was Jewish.
The holy water in this church is of the highest quality: it has been assed by the bishop.
A bat mitzvah for sheep is a baaaaaat mitzvah!
Did you hear about the nun that got kicked out of the convent?
She got caught squatting on the cucumbers in the garden.
A pastor asked his child what his favorite bible verse was... He responded, "Keep watch," because he wanted a watch.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?
All his comebacks take three days.
What does the Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler television ad have in common with ministers who are white Christian nationalists?
They both thank you for your financial support.
Why did Steven Hawking's snot not go to heaven?
Because there is no ramp to heaven.
What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.