Religion jokes
What do Priests and School shooters have in common?
They both blast little kids in the face.
7 year old Christian: *walks up to atheist menacingly* YoU nEeD sOmE jEsUs SaViNg!
Atheist: You prey to a Jewish zombie and I need saving?
What is the difference between a priest and a zit?
The zit waits until you're twelve to come on your face.
What is Jesus' favorite sport? CrossFit.
When Ariana Grande walked into the church, she said, "GOD IS A WOMAN!"
Why do orphans like to go to church?
It is the only place where they can call a father.
What’s a similarity between a priest and McDonald’s?
They both shove their meat between 10 year old buns.
What kind of jeans do you wear to church?
Holy jeans!
Like if you love God and Jesus.
Why don't the Amish water ski?
The horses would drown.
A priest, a pedo, and a rapist walk into a bar and that's just the first guy.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
A man goes into Heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa’s clock, it has never moved because she has never lied."
"There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice."
"Where is Donald Trump’s?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?
I don't worship Jesus.
Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
Why don't Amish people water ski?
Because their horses would drown.
What pants do you wear to church? Hole-y ones.
Did Jesus die a virgin? No, he got nailed before he died.
Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?
Because the children kept calling me "daddy."
You'd think the Catholic Church would be in favor of condoms... less DNA evidence.