A monk asks the priest if it's okay to kiss a nun.
The priest replies, "Just as long as you don't get in the habit!"
A young couple gets banned from church.
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.
After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."
A girl goes to a Church to confess.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
What's the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
THERE IS NO AFTERLIFE.
So I went to the gym and I found a hymn.
ICH BIN GOTT.
Do you have a halo?
'Cause I can give it to you.
What do you call an Islamic LGBT member? A Gaylism.
What games do monks play a lot?
Among Us.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
What happens at the orphanage be like:
The orphans: “HE IS THE MESSIAH!”
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
Yo mama so ugly, when she go to church they say it's a demon!
Why do orphans like going to church?
Because they actually get to say "father" for once.
And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.
They were both druids.
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
