Religion jokes
Guys, we gotta stop telling these jokes. They are getting out of h- oh wait no .... Continue.
Yo daddy so stupid, he threw a Father’s Day party at the orphanage.
What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? Let’s us prey.
What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?
Let us prey.
What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?
When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son. Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes, it is,” the man replies. “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies. “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies, after considering the position he was in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats. “That’s awful expensive,” but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off. “Yes, it is,” replies the man. “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Don’t you start that crap in here,” the priest says.
Why is the elephant headed God the true God?
Because he doesn't exist!
The New religion. Submit to Nevelah. The Carcass awaits you my friend.
What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?
They believe their own lies.
I wish everyone spoke to each other the way God did.
Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized in the ocean.
What God do rats worship?
Cheesus.
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One serves the nailed to the cross, one nailed by her boss.
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
Remember, the confession booth is not a glory hole.
Q: Why did the islamic chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the airport.
Stephen Hawking said there is no God.
2018 God said there is no Stephen Hawking.
What’s the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and a priest?
They both like lil' boys.
Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?
He didn't give me any.
I was made by the Devil.
What is the difference between the subway guy and a priest?
The subway guy didn’t get away with it...
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
What did the priest say during the christening?
"So anyway, I started blasting!"
What to gift a child molester who already has everything? A bigger county with more believers.