Religion jokes

Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?

Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.

Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.

Teacher: He did not.

Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.

Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.

Suzy: Then you can ask him.

What activity do nuns and whores have in common?

Answer: Genuflection.

A priest asks a nun if she has slept with anyone, and the nun says, "Yes, a fucking hot girl!"

Q: What do nuns and bathrooms have in common?

A: They both have glory holes for pleasing.

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Two ropes meet. They ask each other, "Why are you wearing a hijab?" The other replies, "I want to go into the water now."

What's the difference between Christian theocrats and Islamic fundamentalists?

Presentation.

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

First bite: Oh my God!

Second bite: Oh my, God!

Who betrayed Cheesus Christ?

Goudas.

Where do religious kids practice sports?

In the prayground.

What do you call a Muslim who drinks, smokes, and fools around with other women?

Turkish.

Orthodox Christians are a little slow; they take 13 days to get the joke. So go easy on them, alright?

In England, for every church, there are two pubs.

In Poland, for every pub, there are two churches.

You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.

And an exorcism.

HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Blud is so old he pre-ordered the Torah.

When creating the world, Jesus made the water salty. A person comes up to the water, drinks it, and says: "Why are you so salty?"