Religion jokes
What does a child molester and a Catholic priest have in common? They both prey at church.
What's a priest's favorite fruit?
Cantaloupe.
Me in the middle of the night boiling water.
Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?
My brother: How?
Me: You boil the hell out of it.
What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?
They fight and... You know the rest.
What does a nun say when you ask too many questions?
"Nunya business!"
What gun was used to kill Bin Laden?
An AK-BAR 47.
What's a reversed exorcism?
It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.
Sexy boy mmmmmmmmm yummyyyyyy!
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."
Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."
Why did Jesus not win any Stanley Cups? Because he was cut from the team because he kept being pinned to the boards.
What is a Christian's favorite social networking site?
Faithbook!
Why don't the Amish water ski?
The horses would drown.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.
You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
Did you hear about the cannibal who converted to Catholicism?
On Fridays, he only eats fishermen!