Religion jokes
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
What does the Bible stand for?
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
What's the difference between Christian theocrats and Islamic fundamentalists?
Presentation.
When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"
If you got a priest, a Rhodes scholar, and a politician in a room, what would you get?
The Royal Commission.
Alternatively, Tony Abbott.
What do you get when you cross a fat christian nationalist that is heteroflexable, a christian nationalist politician who is also a born again christian, a conservative republican that has a small penis, and a tv evangelist on steroids?
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture, unfortunately.
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
Why did Steven Hawking's snot not go to heaven?
Because there is no ramp to heaven.
In England, for every church, there are two pubs.
In Poland, for every pub, there are two churches.
Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at SeaWorld.
Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?
Heaven always has 5-star reviews.
Who betrayed Cheesus Christ?
Goudas.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne waits until you're a teen to cum on your face.
What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.