Religion jokes

I dated an Indian girl for about six months. She was always Sikhing attention.

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?

Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.

Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.

Teacher: He did not.

Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.

Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.

Suzy: Then you can ask him.

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Two ropes meet. They ask each other, "Why are you wearing a hijab?" The other replies, "I want to go into the water now."

What's the difference between Christian theocrats and Islamic fundamentalists?

Presentation.

Who betrayed Cheesus Christ?

Goudas.

Where do religious kids practice sports?

In the prayground.

HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Blud is so old he pre-ordered the Torah.

When creating the world, Jesus made the water salty. A person comes up to the water, drinks it, and says: "Why are you so salty?"

What gun was used to kill Bin Laden?

An AK-BAR 47.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

Why is the elephant headed God the true God?

Because he doesn't exist!

The existence of the word "priest" implies the existence of "prier" and "pri".

I'm Pastor Moe Mister, Moe Lester.

What does a nun say when you ask too many questions?

"Nunya business!"

You're so fat, you lasted a whole year on the cross just off of your fat.