Religion jokes

What does the Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler television ad have in common with ministers who are white Christian nationalists?

They both thank you for your financial support.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

You could say ancient Egyptians and JDM car fans are alike--they both worship Datsun.

Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?

Because he couldn’t climb up the stairs to heaven.

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.

Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.

Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?

Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."

Therapist: That's not so bad.

Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."

One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.

God, you’re having a good day?

Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.

You call him the holy cross. I call it the rejected Smash character.

What games do monks play a lot?

Among Us.

God: “Steven, join us.”

Sees the staircase to Heaven.

Steven: “Ahh, fu-”

My name is Jamar and I come from afar, ALLAHU AKBAR!

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?

Father-in-law.

So I went to a church and I asked a friend, "Is the picture on the wall Jesus, and does it have three nails or one nail?" Oh wait, that's not Jesus, he is not doing the T pose that he invited.

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Bin Laden promised 76 virgins to Al-Qaeda.

Instead, there was one 76-year-old virgin.

When will delusional Christians grow up and realize their fairy tales aren't based in reality?

What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

Depends on who's sucking.

Why did half the world go to hell? Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED (again)!

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.