Religion Jokes

Little Johnny and his mom were sitting in church one day when suddenly Johnny said, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!"

Then his mom said, "Go across the field and into the bushes, hopefully no one will see you there."

Johnny comes back a minute later, and his mom asks, "Did you make it?" Then Johnny said, "No, but there was a box by the door that SAID 'For The Sick!'"

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits until a kid is a teenager to come on its face.

Why did Stephen Hawking not believe in God?

Computers don’t really have a specific religion.

What are the similarities between an American teen and an old Muslim man?

They both choose who they want.

When you want to commit suicide, just say "Allahu Akbar," there will definitely be a blast.

In a classical painting style, Jesus is sitting and talking to a group of people. Text overlaid on the image says, "SO I WAS LIKE, 'YO ABRAHAM, YOU SHOULD SACRIFICE YOUR SON.' THEN I WAS LIKE, 'WOAH, I WAS JUST KIDDING, BRO'"

What was Jesus scared of the most?

Snails.

Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.

The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”

God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler: Kills himself.

If Jesus had a gun, what would it be? A nail gun.

What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The face you make when you nail them.

Why do nuns go around in pairs?

So one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get none!

Me playing a game........ What, did God just stop our hearts because he didn't kill everybody?

We have life. I hope we have life. We have God in Jesus Christ. This is a good thing. It is a song part.

There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.

The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

The teacher says, "That's right."

The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

"That's right," the teacher says.

The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.

Yo mama so old, she pre-ordered the Bible.

A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"