I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.
Why do sisters have to be in a relationship? Because you don’t have to worry about your car.
Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!
A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"
She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"
He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.
What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?
Only one moans when I put my meat in it.
I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.
What do you call a picture of an orphan?
A family portrait.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!
Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.
Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.
My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.
My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.
So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.
Sally's mother had four children. The fourth April, the second May, the third June. Who was the first child?
Sally.
