Relationship jokes
I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.
How did the Emo kid bag all the cheerleaders?
He hit them all when he started shooting his shot.
What’s worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad’s wedding ring.
Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”
Wife: “ok... what is it?”
Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”
Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."
What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?
A unicycle can only take one person at a time.
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?
I’d hit that.
Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.
I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
Sally's mother had four children. The fourth April, the second May, the third June. Who was the first child?
Sally.