Relationship jokes
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.
I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?
I’d hit that.
How did the Emo kid bag all the cheerleaders?
He hit them all when he started shooting his shot.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
Are you mixed? Cuz you're half fine, half mine 😏
Q: Why are lesbians bad at math?
A: Because they can't multiply.
Women understand each other.
That’s why they argue.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?
When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”
Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?
Because you cannot break the ice.
Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.
Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"
My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.
Roses are red,
Potatoes are brown,
Your mom's so hot,
I put her down.
"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."
"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"