Relationship jokes

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

Your mum... payed other people to take you!!!!

I feel wrong. What does this make us?

Still cousins.

What do you call a photo of an orphan who takes a selfie?

A family portrait.

Your mom is a joke.

On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."

Your mom is so ugly her face would split in half when she sees you.

My boyfriend and I were playing baseball last night with some of our friends. Halfway through the game we took a break and he asked me to hold his balls for him whilst he went to the toilet.

All our friends were shocked when I went into the boys' bathroom with him.

Meant to say my friend's nan, not man.

Why can't an orphan have sex?

Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy."

"Mom, these balloons are hard to blow."

"Son, stay out of the drawer."

"Why can’t you be comfortable with my own body?"

"I think you should ask yourself that."

Her: Eat my ass!

Me: Yes, chef!

It was my cousin's birthday and my mom said what should we get her? I said a rope.

Being gay must be a pain in the ass.

Credit to omnom.

My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"

I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."

Dad: Son, I came back.

Son: Where is the milk?

Dad: Time for another 10 years.

What do you call a not potty trained human?

Amber Heard.

Amber Heard Daily Routine:

Get out of bed, drink coffee, take a shit on Johnny Depp's bed.