Relationship jokes
My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.
So I brought her a new bathroom scale.
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
I just had a birthday party last week at my crib. I invited two fine, beautiful looking women. One was skinny and her name was Kelly, and the other one was overweight and her name was Chiquita.
Both of them came by. I told Chiquita only Kelly can stay and enjoy my birthday. You can't, you're too fat and clumsy, and I don't have any food or drinks for you, so see ya later, nutty professor.
You know why I only date disabled people? Cause they can't get away.
I got home one day and a Spanish guy, white guy, black guy told me that your sister knows her meats.
She won a trophy. We blindfolded her, then my sister said, "Yeah, I was blindfolded, and I gave all three of them blowjobs and I had to guess which flavor of the meat it was."
The Trophy said Best Blowjobs. As a brother, I couldn't be prouder.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.
What do you call it when an orphan takes a picture?
A family portrait/A selfie.
Why shouldn't you say "I hate you" to your parents?
Ask an orphan.
Orphan: I love abcdefu!
Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.
I love my mom.
Why are blind people gay?
Cause.
My wife said she would slam my head into my keyboard if I did not get off video games.
But don't worry I think she was just joking.
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you haven't told her twice already.
What do you do when your sister asks you “Why are you sad?”
Reply back with “Because you were born.”
Every woman will die in five seconds.
Mother: Dies.
Sister: Dies.
Girlfriend: Lives.
You: 🤬
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."
Freshfry, are you there? I really want to talk to you!
Love, Gwen.
Hi, I'm a girl gamer looking for a hot bf.