Relationship jokes

How can you tell that a woman is asking for sex? Wait for her to drop a bomb on you.

My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.

I bought my friend a rope for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book ever.

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

Once upon a time, a man said to a woman, "I want to fuck you."

What is the difference between the human rights act and a dad?

Wife: I think these pants are getting too small for me!

Husband: Don't worry, maybe you are just bad at laundry.

He said he didn't want to be my brother anymore.

He's now my sister.

My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."

Best friend: Let’s get tattoos of our parents.

Orphan: I don’t have parents.

What's the difference between you and your mom?

I slept with your mom.

My sister said, "LET'S GO TO PIZZA!" So, I went to the pizza shop with her and she replied, "We really only needed the car?"

Why was the kid sad?

He was adopted.

When someone pops up in your life making you all happy, you be like, "Who sent you?"

My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.

I don't want to date an alien.

There are days I feel really bad for my Wife. She has to feed me in the same place I take a dump.

She really hates it when I spit my food back out.

If I adopt a child, is it mine?

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😳

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see.

What's the difference between a happy family and a car guy? Only one has a family.