Relationship jokes

How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.

The emo kid wanted a high five. I left him hanging, so did the tree.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

As I was eating this girl out, I thought I tasted some horse semen... I exclaimed, "Oh, Grandma! That's how you died!"

Masochists and sadists are made for each other.

Are you a haunted house?

Cuz I am gonna be screaming when I come inside you.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

My friend Harry.

He placed the chocolates and the flowers down beside her.

Silence...

And then at last she spoke...

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.

I have some words that might make sense to girls, but maybe not to boys, ready?

smart

kind

sweet

caring

loving

mature

Why did the chicken cross the road?

IDK! WHY?

To go see yo mama!

To Gwen and Freshfry: Hi Gwen and Freshfry, you have been so amazing to me and now to my sister. You are the people who I look up to. People are mean to us because I am adopted. Thank you for all of your support!

Congratulations! 10 years+ record of hide and seek with your parents, and they're still hiding!

They hide so well, they probably forgot about you. Mwah. <3

My dad left me, lol.

Wow, Aiden, maybe you've been mean to Tenya. She is hurting, close to killing herself, but hey, I can pick your ass since, ya know, that is what I do!

To Mr. Nice Guy, you are nice, sweet, and caring! I am so grateful to be your friend!

I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

Why are orphans' funerals so small?

They have no loved ones.

Husband: I look fat, can someone compliment me?

Wife: You have good eyesight.