Relationship jokes
You know why Elmer Fudd always came out hunting rabbits in the woods? Because Bugs Bunny would not stop flirting with his girlfriend.
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your way into someone's pants.
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.
I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"
How do you get a depressed girl to suck your dick?
Pour bleach on it.
What is a "dad?"
If you have sex and your African parents find out,
“You can do the boom boom. But you can not do the boom boom in my house. Do it somewhere else."
What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.
How do you find a redneck virgin?
Just look for a 4-year-old. They can run faster than her brothers.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.
Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."
Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"
Why doesn't Helen Keller's boyfriend like having sex with her?
'Cause she just lies there like she's dead.
I fucked your mom.
Why did the skeleton want a friend? Because he was feeling bonely.
Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."
How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starters, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.
A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"
Why didn't Michael Jackson have a girlfriend? He's afraid of women.
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.