Relationship jokes
Why doesn't Batman need Robin as a wingman?
Because he has no problem robbin' your girl.
You and your mom.
I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.
Why does it take longer for women to orgasm than men?
Who cares?
What do condoms and whores have in common?
Answer: There is a lot that comes in every box.
What is the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
What did one cheese say to the other cheese?
"Hello, it's a nice day, do you have any plans on what you're going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.
Knock, knock.
*takes out penis*
Who is there?
Butthole 😎
Jack and Jill went up the hill for drunkin' wild sex.
Jack went by Jill to get a lick, and watched Jill get off on a stick.
Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.
You know why Elmer Fudd always came out hunting rabbits in the woods? Because Bugs Bunny would not stop flirting with his girlfriend.
How do you get a depressed girl to suck your dick?
Pour bleach on it.
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your way into someone's pants.
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"
What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"
What is a "dad?"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.
Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."
Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"
If you have sex and your African parents find out,
“You can do the boom boom. But you can not do the boom boom in my house. Do it somewhere else."