Relationship jokes

Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Definition of trust: two cannibals having oral sex.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

Just cum.

Why can’t orphans have sex?

They have no one to call “daddy.”

Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.

I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."

When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.

It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.

My parents love me.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

You’re so ugly, I can see why your dad left now.

My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.

Roses are red, violets are blue, If I slapped you, that’d be animal abuse.

Are you my homework because I’m supposed to be doing you right now, but I’m not.

My name says it all.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack was in shock with a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name was Randy.

Your mum is gay; her name is Rachel.