Relationship jokes

A guy and a woman are walking into a forest. The woman says she is lonely. The guy then says, "Don't worry, there will be a third person in a little while."

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Not your dad?"

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

Unknown be like: "Wah wah, I'm too scared to talk to girls in real life, so I bully random tweens I find online to make me feel better... what a shame."

Why did my dad leave me?

Because I was gay.

When you are f***ing your girlfriend and then she tells you that you f**k like your guys' dad.

Then you f**k your mom and she says the same thing.

I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

What's the first thing you say in anal sex..... "Holy shit!"

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Without other people's dicks in it.

I told my wife her eyebrows were too high.

She looked surprised.

Sex is like show and tell: you show your pussy and dick, and then you tell each other how you feel.

An orphan girl's boyfriend broke up with her, what was his reason?

"If her parents didn't want her, why should I?"

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

Why can’t orphans have sex?

They have no one to call “daddy.”

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Why did Hitler's girlfriend break up with him? He Hit-ler.

Like if you know an orphan.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.