Relationship jokes

I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."

I love telling jokes about orphans. I mean, what are they going to do about it? Tell their parents?

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

My woman told me that she wants to have sex with me, and I said, "Let's go at it." She said, "Shut up and kiss me on all my pillows."

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

Luke asks his friend, "How old is your father?"

James replied, "He's as old as me."

Luke then said, "It doesn't make any sense."

James then said, "He became my father when I was born."

What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.

There was an orphan once, and someone knocks on his door and said, "Hello, son, come and hug me." But the orphan says, "Excuse me, who are you?" and the guy says, "You don't remember me? I'm your dad." And then the orphan says, "Fine then, if you're really my dad, come inside and let me ask you some questions." And the man says, "OK then, but I am really your dad." Then the orphan asked some questions to the man, and the man gets some of them right, so the orphan believes that the man is his dad. And then the orphan says, "You really are my dad?" and then he shows his dad his house, and the orphan has a roommate, and the dad and the orphan finally get to the bedroom, and then the dad knocks out the orphan, and then the dad starts to have something with the orphan/son, and the roommate hears weird noises in the orphan's/son's room, and he walks in and sees them having sex, and the roommate records it but then kicks the dad out of the house, and then the roommate shares the video to the orphan's school chat, and then the next day the dad gets arrested because he was actually a gay nonce, and everybody at the orphan's school calls him gay, but he really isn't, but since he was mad and disgusted, he pulled an AK47 out of his bag and kills everybody in the school and was never seen again.

Btw this is a joke so don't take it seriously.

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?

"Do you need help packing your shit?"

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

Why do a woman like to have sex with the lights off?

They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Q: What does an orphan call a selfie of themself?

A: A family portrait.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I know a pedophile,

And he says he knows you.

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

At least someone who is gay/Carter has someone.