Relationship jokes

Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?

Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

Hey Siri, where is my dad?

Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!

Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

...WhAT-

I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?

A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.

Bully: "Shut up and give me your money, otherwise I will tell everyone that you are still a virgin."

Boy: "Haha, I am not a virgin anymore."

Bully: "Haha, nice joke."

Boy: "If you don't believe then ask your sister or brother."

Bully: "Hah, I don't have any sibling."

Boy: "Will just wait for 9 months then u will know."

You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.

Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.

Why did the male orphan decide to be gay?

Because he wanted someone to call "daddy."

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

Why do people like dating us emo girls? Because of the texture on our thighs.

A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."

The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"

The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

Wives are like grenades. Pull the ring, and the house is gone.

The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.