Hey Siri, where is my dad?
Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!
Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
...WhAT-
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.
But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.
You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
What is a pedophile's favorite dating site?
Kinder
Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
Why did the male orphan decide to be gay?
Because he wanted someone to call "daddy."
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
Bully: "Shut up and give me your money, otherwise I will tell everyone that you are still a virgin."
Boy: "Haha, I am not a virgin anymore."
Bully: "Haha, nice joke."
Boy: "If you don't believe then ask your sister or brother."
Bully: "Hah, I don't have any sibling."
Boy: "Will just wait for 9 months then u will know."
I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.
Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.
But she has to. She's his mom.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
