Relationship jokes

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

I told my sister I was into incest. She took it really hard. 😉😏

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: You're both!

Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?

Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

What do you say after committing incest?

No Chromo!

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

Why are women like hurricanes?

They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."