Relationship jokes

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

Crush: "How much do you love me?"

Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."

Crush: "But it's morning."

Me: "Exactly."

Closer kin, deeper in!

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

- It makes your sister jealous.

Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"