Relationship jokes

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?

Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: You're both!

Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

What do you say after committing incest?

No Chromo!

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

I told my sister I was into incest. She took it really hard. 😉😏

Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

Why are women like hurricanes?

They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."

Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?

Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."

"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."