Relationship jokes

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.

Wives are like grenades. Pull the ring, and the house is gone.

Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.

Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.

Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

Why do people like dating us emo girls? Because of the texture on our thighs.

A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."

The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"

The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"