Relationship jokes

The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.

Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.

Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

Guys, my sister's pregnant!

I'm finally a dad!

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"