GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little? Me: My sister SWEET HOME ALABAMAA
My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
I DIDNT FART MY ASS LIKES YOU SO MUCH IT JUST BLEW YOU A KISS!
why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?
because he thought that she would leave him to.
Roses are red Violets are blue two gay lovers find out they are brothers
love is like a fart if you have to force it, it's probably shit.
whats the difference between an in-law and an out-law..... an out-law is wanted.
"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"
"Dave who?"
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commanders) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you"
(Lexa and Clarke from 'The 100' [ #LexaDeservedBetter ] R.I.P. Lexa...)
When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.
Evan this is mya and your mom told me u were adopted so we are done bye don’t talk to me
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
I was at my boyfriends house and I thought he was cheating on me and he was on the phone with somebody he said he'd be over there soon. so i asked him if I could see his phone he said no and then we fought about until I seen his gun and because I thought he was lying to me I shot him,went through his phone and his friend was still on the phone.
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
What's the difference between a Lambo and a boner?
Your sister didn't give me a Lambo.
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet and the wife said yaknow weve been good about our diet lets have a cheat night tonight. The wife came home with kfc and wendys. the husband came home with sylvia from the office.
