Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.
A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."
The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"
The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."
My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.
When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.
My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!
My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.
My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!
My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!
When people say they get ho's: You don't get no ho's, the only ho's you get is in yo draws.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents as an example.
I once was playing with my friend and Roblox girlfriend, then one day, they cheated on me. I broke up with her and unfriended him, then I saw my mom and my uncle crying!
Me be like: ;-;
I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.
Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.
People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.
She can't see the obvious.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.
How do you surprise a 50-year-old man? By putting a 12-inch dick through his ass.
He said, "Best surprise ever!"
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
When your mum sold you on eBay for £2 pound for girls stripper.
Why is the divorce rate among socks so high?
