Relationship jokes

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

Orphan: Can I come over?

Girl: Yeah, but you have to bring your parents.

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Yo mama so nasty, she gave yo daddy head, then gave you a kiss good night.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

Your hairline and your eyebrows are like your parents, separated.

What's the difference between me and you?

I leave white stains in your mom's bed, and you leave white stains in my mom's bed!

What's the difference between sex and gender?

You can't have gender with your sister.

A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"

Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."

Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."

Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"

The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

Why did the skeleton not go to prom?

Because he had no body to go with.

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.

You don't have to worry about running while boys are around. Even I can't see anything there.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.

Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”

Friend: Ok?

Me: I'mma hit puberty!

*hits my friend*