My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!
You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?
"Love is a good thing, never be embarrassed by it."
I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Rape isn't a joke.
It's a type of way of making friends and to mate with other women.
It's a way of art, and works on anybody!
Like this if you agree.
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
My older sister said she was gonna shoot herself, so I did it for her.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."
My wife told me to hang her the salt, so I beat the shit out of her. My name's Kyle, by the way.
Did you hear Biden went to the ER?
He's having a little trouble with his Putin.
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
Hailey: "Hey Brayden!"
Brayden: "Hey!"
*Music roles around*
*I tell Brayden Hailey likes him*
Brayden: "O_O"
Hailey: *Hides*
So sad </3 xD
My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.
Until I threw a watermelon in her face.
How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?
"No, you hang yourself first..."
My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.
Don't take my posts seriously, take them like your ex took you—as a joke.
