Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Dad: Hey, uh... you're adopted.
Dog: *frown*
What do the Twin Towers and my Mom have in common? They both went down on my dad.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.
My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.
It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.
Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was, like, with one, and she kept on saying, "I'm too young."
Why did the orphan girl cry during sex?
Because her boyfriend said "Who's your daddy?"
BAJAHAHAHHAA
What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?
She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.
What is the definition of "Endless Love"?
Answer: Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing "Tennis"!
I heard you were looking for a stud...
I already have the STD; all I need is you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be the dolphin, you can be the jellyfish.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be a jaeger, will you be my kaiju?
Question: What is the BIG ADVANTAGE to going out on a date with a "Homeless Chic"?
Answer: After the date, you can "Drop Her Off" ANYWHERE!
Like and comment if you will be my friend!
What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?
Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.
Like, and comment if you're single.
Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.
Little off topic but...
Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.
Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.
Mum: Fair point.
