Relationship jokes

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.