Relationship jokes
The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”
A blind woman told her husband someone is coming. He asks how do you know, you can't see. She replies, "I can taste it."
What do you call an orphan's family picture? A self-portrait.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell them to clap till their parents come home.
"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."
And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"
How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?
Change your name to "Rape."
Your mom is so small that she can fit in the luggage.
Yo mama so fat, that’s why people don’t want to marry her, except for fat guys.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
What's the difference between family and cats...
Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.
What did the kid say to the orphan?
"Well, at least I have parents!"
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
Knock, knock.
Who is there?
Your Nan.
WHAT? MY NAN IS DEAD!
Are you an orphanage?
Why?
Because I wanna put my kids in you.
Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?
Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.