Relationship jokes

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

This bitch won't message me anymore, what the fuck do I do? Why are bitches so sensitive?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Not your.

Not your who?

Not your mama!

Roses are red, I have a confession:

A man kills best friend after 10hrs anal sex session.

Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere, and you have to take special care of the good ones.

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted :)

Why woman?

What's the difference between an orphan and Daniel Larusso?

At least Daniel has a mom.

20 years later

Johnny: Hey dad.

Dad: Yea?

Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!

Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.

Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.

Dad:...

Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?

Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have no one to call "Daddy!"

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"

Orphans: Sad, Depressed, Lonely, Virgin.

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

I was lying on the bed the other night and my missus was playing with my cock, trying to get it to go hard. She asked me what's the matter? I said, "I just don't find women without hair very attractive."

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."