Relationship jokes
My Indian wife said last night if her fanny would taste like vindaloo curry, I said I've smelt your fucking armpits, you've got no chance.
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
Your mom is so ugly her face would split in half when she sees you.
Why shouldn't you say "I hate you" to your parents?
Ask an orphan.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
Say this to someone who is fat that you don't like (make sure he's a virgin):
"You're so fat you can sell shaaade!! That's why you're a virgin and you masturbaaate!!! Yeah, I've see you, touching your 1 centimetre and if you have a gf she's is a cheater!!"
Make sure to say "shaaade" not "shade". And say "maturbaaate" (also try to say a D not a T in maturbaaate) not "masturbate".
Why can't orphans have sex?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."😳
The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”
A blind woman told her husband someone is coming. He asks how do you know, you can't see. She replies, "I can taste it."
What do you call an orphan's family picture? A self-portrait.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell them to clap till their parents come home.
"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."
And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"
How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?
Change your name to "Rape."
Your mom is so small that she can fit in the luggage.
Yo mama so fat, that’s why people don’t want to marry her, except for fat guys.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."