New Relationship Jokes - Page 96

My newly wed wife is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

Her husband prepares them a romantic dinner. The wife tells her husband about her desire for it. The husband was clueless about such acts. So, the wife tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay underneath her naked in the reverse missionary position.

She starts thrusting with his meat inside of her and starts waiting for him to thrust along with her thrusts. However, the husband didn’t know what to do, so he just laid there. Suddenly the wife had an urge to pee, but held it in because her husband’s joystick was right inside her. She loses control after a while and lets one drip out. The wife apologizes profusely and continues thrusting her husband. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another drip of urine run down the husband’s schlong to his pelvis.

The husband throws the wife from the couch, gets up, and says,

"Honey, if you think I’ll be screwed by you for more of that, you’re out of your mind."

Why can’t orphans be gay?

Because they have no one to call daddy.

My family is like a cactus. They're a bunch of pricks.

Hi Leyla, I have been trying to reach you for a while. Where have you been? I was wondering if you wanted to chat.

What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

What company do orphans hate the most?

S. C. Johnson, a family company.

What do you call a selfie taken by an orphan?

A family portrait.

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

What did the glove say to his girlfriend?

I glove you!

When a deaf person has sex, do they use one hand to moan?

I love my mom.

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d*ck reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well, no sir." And grandpa said then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said, "Let me get a hit of that," and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d*ck reach your a**?" and Johnny said no again. And then papaw was shootin' his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d*ck reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d*ck reach your a**?" and papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f*ck yourself 'cause you ain't gettin' none of my ice cream!"