Friend

Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.

Me: But you are not standing:)

Egg

What do you call a smart egg? An egghead.

That was an egg-cellent joke!

Fish

I wanted to visit my pet fish, but it was hard to sea it through the darkness.

Duck

A guy saw a person with a duck and said, "Where did you get a pig?"

The owner replied, "It's not a pig, dummy!"

The random guy said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck."

Santa

What did Santa use as a candy cane?

Wait, wait, I said it wrong.

Okay.

What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.

Whale

Two whales went to a bar.

The first whale said, "oooooooohhhhhh." The second whale said, "Greg, I think you're drunk, let's go home."

Water

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.

Wood

"I was lost in the woods yesterday."

"I was in some sticky situation..."

Blood

Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?

Because it says "B Positive!"