Puns
Person you don't know, my name.
A guy saw a person with a duck and said, "Where did you get a pig?"
The owner replied, "It's not a pig, dummy!"
The random guy said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck."
I wanted to visit my pet fish, but it was hard to sea it through the darkness.
Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?
Because it says "B Positive!"
"I was lost in the woods yesterday."
"I was in some sticky situation..."
My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.
Two whales went to a bar.
The first whale said, "oooooooohhhhhh." The second whale said, "Greg, I think you're drunk, let's go home."
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.
When a person asked to see her balance at a bank, they pushed him over.
Your face.
Your mum!
Once I had a cat. The cat liked human beverages.
One day I decided to throw a party. The cat went over to get some soda. There was a line. I told him that he needed to wait in line. The line was too long for the cat. Then he walked to the punch bowl. He saw that there was no punch line. Very much like this joke.
I can't handle these puns...
But I can HAND you some puns!
Budum tiss!
Why do asscheeks make great friends?
They always stick together!
Y'all heard of Poptarts, eh?
Well why are there no Momtarts?
Because of the PASTRYarchy!
I fell into a water bed with super soil. Next thing I'm in a flower bed.
What does a volcano say when it has a runny nose?
"I have runny volcanoes."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Con...
Ok, now you say, "Control freak who?"
I worked at a calendar factory, but I got the sack for taking a few days off!
What's yellow, slimy, and smells like bananas?
Monkey puke.