How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

If it sinks it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s boy-ant (buoyant).

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.

I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.

I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.

They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."