Puns

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

How do you plan a party in outer space?

You planet.

See, I was always told puns are funny.

But I can see now they aren't punny.

What do you call a bad pun?

The pun is not punny!

I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.

So one day I go up to her and say, “Mari-juana do this???” She later asked me to leave forever... I don’t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!

What do you call a broken chicken?

A broken chicken.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

What happens when you eat salmon with Nutella?

You get salmonella.

I make science puns, but only periodically.

What do you call a country with nukes?

Abomination.

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

Puns about air conditioning. I'm not a fan.

How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

If it sinks it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s boy-ant (buoyant).

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"

My dignity to live.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

What did the dad say to the kid?

"U got to be kidding me."

I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.

I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.