I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.
Bully 1 to Bully 2: You're ugly.
Bully 2: Look in a mirror.
Bully 1: Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone else.
I know you came here to feel good about yourself...
My grief counselor died the other day.
He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
Is it just me, or everybody has a dark side, like a psycho side, and then you act like crazy for some reason?
What's a crazy man's favorite phrase when he has a knife?
"Freak out!"
What's the difference between crazy people and regular people?
We don't live in their heads.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
How do you make the grass cut itself?
Make it depressed.
When an orphan takes a family photo, it's called a selfie.
Yo mama is such a creep; she thought PTSD stood for "Please Touch Small Dicks."
We are anonymous because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
What's the natural cure to an old man's inability to forgive people?
Alzheimer's.
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
You know what’s traumatizing?
Your mom breastfeeding in front of you.
Help!
If a depressed kid tries to high five a tree, it leaves them hanging.
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
