People jokes

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

People: Stop invading Ukraine!

Putin: Ukraine? you mean Mykraine.

People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don’t get some support people will think we are ball sacks..."

Who says white people can't jump?

Have you seen the 911 footage?

What games would deaf people not be good at?

Simon says and Musical chairs.

What do the Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

- Yo mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow dress, people yell "Taxi!"

- Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.

- Yo mama is so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.

- Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.

- Yo mama is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.

Why are Japanese always so skinny?

Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.

What do you call pedophiles on a beach? Pedos in Speedos.

What part do people slit the most?

Everyone.

How do you know a cannibal picnic is over?

Everyone's eaten.

Q: Why is Hitler better than Biden?

A: Because Hitler gave gas to his people for free.

What do the Spanish people call child abuse? Pedrophile.

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.