People jokes

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.

Why was the staircase so sad?

Because everyone walks on them.

Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

I would like to say Hitler gave two fucks about his people.

But quite Anne frankly, I'd be lying.

If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?

How can you tell Donald Trump is old and demented?

He can't distinguish between tanned people and cockroaches!

Why do so many people get charged with rape? Because they are too stupid to finish her off and bury the body.

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb in the middle of the night?

I don't know, I can never see them.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

There are two types of people in Alabama: the orphans and the incests.

Why couldn’t people use the George Floyd action figure? Because it was vacuum sealed.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, girls would find me attractive.

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

People keep telling me they hope Kenny never has kids.

I don't think that's a worry. His mom is much too old to get pregnant.