Parent jokes

What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?

Father's Day.

What does an orphan do on school parents' day? Nothing.

Why do orphans like going to church?

Because they actually get to say "father" for once.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

Do you know what the F in orphan is for...

Family.

Does a midget count as an orphan?

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.

Why don't orphans like getting lost?

Because if people find them, they ask, "Where are your parents?"

Orphans get family-sized chips for free.

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.

The Emo kid wanted to go on a field trip, but he needed his parent's signature.

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home.

Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.

Your dad died of hunger on the journey to find the milk.

What's the difference between a mother and a father? The mother always comes back from the shop.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, he said when he found out his parents split up and he is being adopted.

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.