Overeating jokes

A man gets captured by cannibals.

Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

How do you properly eat a vegetable?

You tip over the wheelchair.

What is black and white and red all over?

JFK

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

What is black and white and red all over? An exploding zebra!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"

Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

How do you get a woman to give head? Force it down her throat and hold the back of her head. Make her gag for a little and then pull out. Do this over and over for 30 seconds or so. If she doesn't open up, choke her and force her mouth open.

Woman aren't human anyways... lol.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.

But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.

One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”

"How was your day?"

"It was great."

"What was so great about it?"

"I saw a puppy."

"Awww."

"And I ran over it :)"

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

What is the difference between Kanye and Hitler?

Hitler knew when his career was over.

What do you call it when you choose Panera Bread over something else?

Panera instead.

What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!

My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.